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009 - Job Opportunity Guidelines

Thanks to Carole Lipski for passing along the following interpretations of standard lines by job applicants and interviewers: 

EMPLOYER TALK: 
  • ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:  
  • You'll be making under $7 an hour.  
  • ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:  
  • You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.  
  • AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:  
  • We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.  
  • PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:  
  • Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.  
  • COMPETITIVE SALARY:  
  • We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.  
  • JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:  
  • We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.  
  • NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:  
  • Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.  
  • IMMEDIATE OPENING:  
  • The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.  
  • SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:  
  • We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.  
  • SELF-MOTIVATED:  
  • Management won't answer questions  
  • WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:  
  • After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.  
  • PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:  
  • After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.  
  • SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:  
  • ...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.  
  • CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:  
  • We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.  
  • COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:  
  • We have a lot of turnover.  
  • EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:  
  • Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.  
  • JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:  
  • We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.  
  • FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:  
  • Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.  
  • A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:  
  • We booze it up at company parties.  
  • MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:  
  • You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.  
  • SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:  
  • If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.  
  • SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:  
  • Some time each night and some time each weekend.  
  • SALARY RANGE $24k - $32k:  
  • We'll offer you $22k to start.  
  • A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:  
  • You'll give boring speeches on your own time.  
  • FLEXIBLE HOURS:  
  • Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.  
  • DUTIES WILL VARY:  
  • Anyone in the office can boss you around.  
  • MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:  
  • We have no quality control.  
  • COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:  
  • Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.  
  • NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:  
  • We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.  
  • SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:  
  • You'll need it to replace three people who just left.  
  • PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:  
  • You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.  
  • REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:  
  • You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.  
  • GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:  
  • Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.  
  • ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:  
  • You whine, you're fired.  
  • ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:  
  • We loooooove brown-nosers.  
APPLICANT SPEAK 
  • I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:  
  • I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.  
  • I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:  
  • I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.  
  • I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:  
  • I've used Microsoft Office.  
  • I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:  
  • I pilfer office supplies.  
  • MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:  
  • I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.  
  • I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:  
  • I blame others for my mistakes.  
  • I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:  
  • I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.  
  • I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:  
  • I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.  
  • I'M PERSONABLE:  
  • I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.  
  • I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: 
  • As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.  
  • I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:  
  • I carry a Day-Timer.  
  • MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:  
  • You're probably looking for someone more experienced.  
  • I AM ADAPTABLE: 
  • I've changed jobs a lot.  
  • I AM ON THE GO:  
  • I'm never at my desk.  
  • I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:  
  • The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.  
  • I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:  
  • I'm a college drop-out.  
  • I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:  
  • I've been accused of sexual harassment.  
  • THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:  
  • Wait! Don't throw me away!  
  • I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:  
  • Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me. 

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