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009 - Job Opportunity Guidelines
to Carole Lipski for passing along the following interpretations of standard
lines by job applicants and interviewers:
be making under $7 an hour.
POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:
want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the
it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative
person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now
running the ad.
POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait
30 days for your first commission check.
won't answer questions
OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:
90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll
give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real
daring guys wear earrings.
have a lot of turnover.
AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:
in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:
booze it up at company parties.
BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
be six months behind schedule on your first day.
PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
time each night and some time each weekend.
RANGE $24k - $32k:
offer you $22k to start.
HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:
give boring speeches on your own time.
40 hours; get paid for 25.
in the office can boss you around.
HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
have no quality control.
you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy,
English or religion.
PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
need it to replace three people who just left.
SKILLS A MUST:
walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
whine, you're fired.
FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:
KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL
talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
used Microsoft Office.
HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
pilfer office supplies.
PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
blame others for my mistakes.
BALANCED AND CENTERED:
keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
WILLING TO RELOCATE:
I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
carry a Day-Timer.
BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
probably looking for someone more experienced.
changed jobs a lot.
AM ON THE GO:
never at my desk.
HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
a college drop-out.
INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:
been accused of sexual harassment.
YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Don't throw me away!
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I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me.
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