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039 - The Wit of Airline Attendants Those of us who
travel a lot will get a chuckle of out of these allegedly real events.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be
50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "Smoking in the
lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories
will be asked to leave the plane immediately." Pilot - "Folks,
we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat
belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay
inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing:
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As we waited just
off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers
were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head
attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video
surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers
not remaining in their seats until the aircraft As the plane landed
and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" From a Southwest
Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more. Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." Your seat cushions
can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing,
please take them with our compliments." Once on a Southwest
flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm
turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so
I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." "Should the cabin
lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please
place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children." "As you exit the
plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind
will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses." "Last one off
the plane must clean it." And from
the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are
on this flight...! Heard on Southwest
Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant
came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll
are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was
the asphalt!" Overheard on an
American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and
bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came
on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight
Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please
remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot
wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the
runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give
them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten
off except for this littleold lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what
is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" After a real crusher
of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight
Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for
flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of us here at US Airways." Add your review Back |