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005 - If Product Warnings Were Based on the Laws of Physics
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following are possible product warnings that might be required on a package
of any and every product, based on the laws of physics and created by Susan
Hewitt and Edward Subitzky.
This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including
the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product
of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons
of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles
Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the
Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product
Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
There is an Extremely Small but Non Zero Chance That, Through a Process
Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present
Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your
Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages
or Inconvenience That May Result.
THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of
the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product
May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should
Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever,
Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability
Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately
Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing"
Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can
Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer
is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty
GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled
to Claim That This Product Is Ten Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is
Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled
Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not
Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only
in a Vague and Undetermined State.
EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising
This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used
in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May
Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass,
and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product,
May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another
Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe
Cannot Be Guaranteed
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